12*31*08

On this last day of 2008 I sit and I think about everything that has happened. Not over the last year though, over my entire life.

I have been trying so hard to make something out of myself and it never seems to go right. The whole shoulda, woulda coulda thingy totally goes in my headline of life.

If I could go back and change thing I would. Now don't get me wrong, I like my life, almost to the point to where I love it and at times I do. I just look back and realize, could I of been a much happier person if I did things differently? I mean were talking going all the way back to when I was very little...Should I of stayed in dance, would I be some famous dancer and happier today?

Should I of believed a bit harder that I could change the world? Should I of taken that trip to
Australia when I had the chance instead of letting my parents talk me out of it? Should I of been different in middle school, hung out with different friends, gotten in trouble? In high school, should I of been more outgoing, should I of been that person that picked on everyone, just because they were a bit different?

I look at everyone from high school now and I see how many great things that they have done and then I look at myself and see that I have the cookie cutter life of those who get the left overs. I look at my friends and think to myself if only...They all seem so happy and so proud to be themselves, when I can't even pretend to be me anymore.

So maybe I am a jealous person, this I have come to realize. I'm jealous of everyone who is happy, or makes anyone happy. All I want to be is happy.

I do love my husband and my pets and my family. Family, now there is a good would of should of story.

Should I of taken my cousin up in his offer and moved in with him and his family? I mean they really are the only ones who know and understand the real me. Should I of flew back home and packed everything up and drive back to Tennessee? I had a job, a home and friends waiting for me. Would that of made me a better person?

So I have had a few problems, does that really make me a bad person? I was supposed to get my stitches out yesterday from the fourth round of spots they are checking for melanoma, but they aren't healed good enough and now I have to wit one more week. I can't get pregnant because of the PCOS. So what. I don't care anymore.

Would I still have friends if my parents were different? I don't know how many other ways I can tell people I am not like them. Just because they pissed you off, shouldn't mean that I will. Just because you don't like them, doesn't mean that you should treat me the same as you treat them.

My mom thinks it would be the end of the world if I can't 'produce' a grandchild for her. Why can't she just see that it won't be? The world will still turn if she does not become a grandmother. Life would still go on.

Should I of stayed more active in Camp Fire? Would I have become some infamous great speaker? What if after high school I went into the army? Would I have learned anymore than I do now? What would of happened if I did take out that student loan and went back to school, only this time I went away and lived on campus? Would that make me happier?

I look back upon all of the things that I wished I would of done, and all of those that I wished I wouldn't of done and think to myself well since I can't change it now, don't think about it and live my life that way I want to now. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about. I can't. I can't even live my life the way I want to now. I have a job, a husband, an apartment, I can't just up and leave a take a vacation to do what I want. Who would feed everyone? Who would make sure there is money left over to pay the bills?

I do my best, but sometimes that's not good enough, for me. So in 2009 this is what I have decided. I am not going to call these my new years resolutions, but my new life goals:

1. To stop being the one that tries to have a friendship with my friends and family, it hasn't worked so far, so now its up to them. If that want to be called friends and family by me, then they have to work for it, I'm done.

2. To be happy with myself and make myself realize that things are good and its too late to change things now. Move on and make what I can out of life. This means loosing the weight that I put on trying to make everyone else happy. Finding new friends and trying new things. Do more things that I enjoy. Stop worrying about the things I can't change.

3. This one is one of my more pressuring issues. Get out of this apartment by August! I want, correction, I need to be out by August. I can't stand it anymore! I need more room and a place to call my own,

4. Be the best wife that I know how to be. I am not saying that I am going to have the house clean everyday, or dinner made before Eric comes home every night, but I will try to have more time for us. I will try to make sure we have food to eat and clean clothes and a nice place to live.

5. If we can not have children, then we can't. I will not let it be the end of the world to me. Things happen for reason and I just have to live with that.

Well I think that's it for now.