12*31*08

On this last day of 2008 I sit and I think about everything that has happened. Not over the last year though, over my entire life.

I have been trying so hard to make something out of myself and it never seems to go right. The whole shoulda, woulda coulda thingy totally goes in my headline of life.

If I could go back and change thing I would. Now don't get me wrong, I like my life, almost to the point to where I love it and at times I do. I just look back and realize, could I of been a much happier person if I did things differently? I mean were talking going all the way back to when I was very little...Should I of stayed in dance, would I be some famous dancer and happier today?

Should I of believed a bit harder that I could change the world? Should I of taken that trip to
Australia when I had the chance instead of letting my parents talk me out of it? Should I of been different in middle school, hung out with different friends, gotten in trouble? In high school, should I of been more outgoing, should I of been that person that picked on everyone, just because they were a bit different?

I look at everyone from high school now and I see how many great things that they have done and then I look at myself and see that I have the cookie cutter life of those who get the left overs. I look at my friends and think to myself if only...They all seem so happy and so proud to be themselves, when I can't even pretend to be me anymore.

So maybe I am a jealous person, this I have come to realize. I'm jealous of everyone who is happy, or makes anyone happy. All I want to be is happy.

I do love my husband and my pets and my family. Family, now there is a good would of should of story.

Should I of taken my cousin up in his offer and moved in with him and his family? I mean they really are the only ones who know and understand the real me. Should I of flew back home and packed everything up and drive back to Tennessee? I had a job, a home and friends waiting for me. Would that of made me a better person?

So I have had a few problems, does that really make me a bad person? I was supposed to get my stitches out yesterday from the fourth round of spots they are checking for melanoma, but they aren't healed good enough and now I have to wit one more week. I can't get pregnant because of the PCOS. So what. I don't care anymore.

Would I still have friends if my parents were different? I don't know how many other ways I can tell people I am not like them. Just because they pissed you off, shouldn't mean that I will. Just because you don't like them, doesn't mean that you should treat me the same as you treat them.

My mom thinks it would be the end of the world if I can't 'produce' a grandchild for her. Why can't she just see that it won't be? The world will still turn if she does not become a grandmother. Life would still go on.

Should I of stayed more active in Camp Fire? Would I have become some infamous great speaker? What if after high school I went into the army? Would I have learned anymore than I do now? What would of happened if I did take out that student loan and went back to school, only this time I went away and lived on campus? Would that make me happier?

I look back upon all of the things that I wished I would of done, and all of those that I wished I wouldn't of done and think to myself well since I can't change it now, don't think about it and live my life that way I want to now. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about. I can't. I can't even live my life the way I want to now. I have a job, a husband, an apartment, I can't just up and leave a take a vacation to do what I want. Who would feed everyone? Who would make sure there is money left over to pay the bills?

I do my best, but sometimes that's not good enough, for me. So in 2009 this is what I have decided. I am not going to call these my new years resolutions, but my new life goals:

1. To stop being the one that tries to have a friendship with my friends and family, it hasn't worked so far, so now its up to them. If that want to be called friends and family by me, then they have to work for it, I'm done.

2. To be happy with myself and make myself realize that things are good and its too late to change things now. Move on and make what I can out of life. This means loosing the weight that I put on trying to make everyone else happy. Finding new friends and trying new things. Do more things that I enjoy. Stop worrying about the things I can't change.

3. This one is one of my more pressuring issues. Get out of this apartment by August! I want, correction, I need to be out by August. I can't stand it anymore! I need more room and a place to call my own,

4. Be the best wife that I know how to be. I am not saying that I am going to have the house clean everyday, or dinner made before Eric comes home every night, but I will try to have more time for us. I will try to make sure we have food to eat and clean clothes and a nice place to live.

5. If we can not have children, then we can't. I will not let it be the end of the world to me. Things happen for reason and I just have to live with that.

Well I think that's it for now.

12*3*08

Hey y'all I'm back online!!
Okay, so a lot has happened since I left and i don't really know where to start, so here goes nothing!
I had to have two more sport removed, one from my collar bone area and the other from my side. They both came back as positive, just like the others. So, just this year alone I have had a total of 5 spots removed and all 5 came back positive. The next step is to go into the OR and have all of my spots removed at once and see what the results are from there. Since only the spots seems to come back as positive and the tissue comes back as negative, my doctors say I have nothing to worry about...at least not yet. I go in on the 23rd (that's 2 days before Christmas) and I should have the results back in about a week. They are looking at, at least 30 more spots to remove...with 6 stitches in each one...you can do the math. I will keep everyone informed on this situation as i find more out.
We lost little toad a bit ago. I don't really know what happened, other than maybe he just liked to be out in the wild more than in here. Eric's dad gave him to me, he almost hit the poor little guy in the parking lot, and of course, being me said I rather have him inside all nice and warm, than outside in the cold weather...note to self...outdoor pets are to be kept outdoors...no matter what.
My friends dog just had her second batch of puppies...5 girls and 1 boy. The boy is not doing too well, he was born with swimmers chest and a cleft pallet. In about another week or two we will find out if he will need surgery or not. The are full breed Boston terrier's. They are adorable!!
Eric made salary, which means we can finally start paying off our bills and start saving for a down payment on a house! I am oping that we may be able to move when our lease is up in August...so lets pray on that one!
The baby fairy still has not visited us, for those of you who are wondering. that's all i really have to say on that one. The PCOS is under control finally, we were actually able to come to a conclusion on my medication and i am doing good.
We got back our proofs on the wedding pictures and should be getting the CDs and DVDs soon...just want to say thanks to Michele and Paul again for the referral.
Thanksgiving was good, would of been better if people returned phone calls...but in the end it went well. It was just Eric and I, my parents, Eric's dad and my cousin Louise.
Christmas will be small this year...between Eric's hours getting cut right before he got salary and all of my surgeries...there really isn't much left.
Well I think I got everyone filled in...if I left anything out, just let me know and I'll tell ya!
well i have to get going...talk to you all real soon!
hugs and love...Colleen

9*28*08

Okay so lets re-cap...
In the past 60 days I have:


1. planned my wedding

2. got married

3. changed my name

4. planned my bosses daughter's wedding

5. found out one of my best friends is going through a really hard time...I'm here for you though!! Love you!! <3

6. decided that next summer Eric and I are going camping

7. paid off one credit card...and cut it up

8. prepped my bosses son for his GED

9. took my bosses son to pass his GED

10. made a promise to myself that i will look in the mirror by the end of the year and actually be happy with the person looking back

11. re-newed my gym membership

12. folded and put away all of our clothes

13. made a HUGE mistake at work...then got out of it

14. told my boss that he has two more grand kids...on the way

15. took my bosses son to the navy recruiting base

16. put down my bosses other sons dog...that thing ate a computer cord like spaghetti!!

17. cleaned, fed and gave water to every animal in this house at least once a week...hey that's good for me!

18. got back out wedding photos

19. bought a sewing machine

20. Became a domestic house wife!!


Well I think you all are caught up now.
Talk to you all later!!

9-9-08

So, I was thinking at work today, something I had to do to keep the time going by fast... and this is what I came up with...

I have learned this year that...

Life will be what it is, you make your future, but in the en, it is what it is.

I will never be a size 10. I am fine with that.

Friends will come and go, people grow up and move on. Even though things may be 'different' your friends will always be there.

As much as my parents hated it. You have to live with someone before you get married to know the real true person...well, in my opinion...

Living paycheck to paycheck really isn't that bad. You just have to learn how to budget.

Life happens fast, to take it while you can Learn, Live and Love.

Never take anything to heart, it'll all work out in the end.

Believe in yourself.

I am jealous of certain things.

My apartment has been over ran by animals.

I love my job.

I miss school and want to go back.


I've learned that...

I may not as close to my family as I want, and I may never be that close to them.

That my parents really do love me.

That someone out there loves me for me and nothing more or less.

Blessings are always hidden. Even if you can't find them, they'll find you.

You can do anything you put your mind to.

I really like to plan weddings and parties.

People should be nicer to each other. And meaner when needed.

My car horn really does work!

People will talk without knowing the whole situation.

People need to quit playing the poor me act.

People need to get over themselves.


In this year I've learned that...

I like things that sparkle.

I can cook on our electric stove and in the oven...without burning anything.

Working out really does help me to relax.

That I like to work out.

I need a better digital camera.

I want to go back to school...more than anything.

If we are blessed with a child, AWESOME! If not, it's okay. I will live and move on.

People aren't always what they seem.

My mom smokes like there is no tomorrow.

Since my grand dad passed, my mom has gotten 'rude' and 'mean'.

That I really do need to spend more time with my dad.

I have not wrote a single poem yet..keep an eye out for that one.

Well that's about it for today...
Hugs and love <3